


Episode 420

by taptaptaptap



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen, Podcast, fan episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-07-04 13:54:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15842655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taptaptaptap/pseuds/taptaptaptap
Summary: Fan episode of Welcome To NightVale





	Episode 420

**What’s the difference between a raven and a writing desk? Simple. Same amount of cute, glowing turquoise eyes, and you regret telling them both last name equally.  
**  
Welcome to Night Vale.

 

**Intro music.**

 

You are driving. How do you know this? Well, the pedal is being pushed down…and you’re definitely moving the wheel. But you can’t see anything in the darkness.  
Why are you in the dark? It’s only 6:30. You think. It could be 7. That would explain the darkness.  
But it could be 8. Or 9. You think you know the time? You don’t even know if your driving or not.

But yes.

You are driving.

 

More on this after a word from our sponsor.  
Feel heavy? Like nothing is real? Feel like you’re not real? Well, you might not be. You wonder these things constantly. Whether your real or not, whether you deserve love or not, whether you can give love to others, who can you give it too, who would want it…how to give it to people… _where to give it to people…_

 

Sexual confusion.

 

Age appropriate for everyone.

 

Absolutely everyone.

 

Want a free trial? Simply send in a straight object, such as a stick, a ruler, or anything else the government shouldn’t know you own and throw it in your closet. Wait 2 to 4 months. If it doesn’t come back, you just revealed you owned a straight object.  
Shame on you.

 

Shame. On. You.

 

Back to being confirmed to be driving. Before you left, you asked the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home to take care of your things, and to make sure the roaches don’t get to your one and only picture of your favorite toaster. It had broken down two weeks ago and she knows how much it meant to you, so she flipped all your pictures, except the one of the toaster, and scratched the alphabet in morse code on the back of all of them. She will watch only the picture of the toaster, and thinks you have far to many framed photographs. I mean, she was able to write the entire alphabet.  
She also thinks you should get rid of E, Q, Y, and especially P. Seriously, get. Rid. Of. P.

 

No one likes P.

 

You haven’t seen anything yet. It’s been 13 hours since you started driving, and you are getting very tired. You should rent a hotel room. When’s the last last time you rented a hotel room? When’s the last time you got to swim with the sea life who found home in the hotel pool and grew extra rib cages (no, not bones, entire rib cages) protruding from their throats and out from the tips on their toes in reaction to the chlorine, or got awaken at 6:39 AM so you could avoid the ravenous cleaning lady who only eats dirty socks and used soap bottles?  
You want to get a hotel room.  
You should pull over and look up the closest one. Oh, but you lost cell phone service 8 hours ago. And somehow your batteries already at 10% even though it was on 100% when you left and you barely used it.  
You decide maybe you should take a looks at your surroundings-

 

**Phone starts ringing**

 

Oh, look at that. My phone is ringing. Give me one second listeners, let me just-

**Phone ringing cuts off  
Something falls**

 

Its Carlos! Oh-um-do I look good, listeners? Do I look neat? Well not neat as in neat but  
more as in-

 

_Cecil?_

O-Oh-Hi Carlos? Whyd you call in the middle of a show?

 

_Sorry to interupt, i'll be brief, I just wanted to let you know-_

 

I love you!

 

…  
 **Carlos doesn’t reply**

 

I mean-it’s just-remember that time where I-

 

_I love you too, Cecil._

 

Oh! Good! I-i already knew that . . . of course.

 

**Chuckles**   
_Tamika agreed to do it. To go into the dogpark._

 

 **Gasps**  
Really?

 

_Yeah. We’re tying rope to her, and two of the Erika’s agreed to go in as supervision to make sure she comes back safe._

 

How far is she going?

 

_As far as the rope allows, which I’m pretty sure is enough to at least see some sand. But we told her that if she sees sand, she should probably head back. The dog park is dangerous, and we need our newest and youngest council member alive._

 

That’s great! Hey, what do you want for dinner tonight?

_I kinda want to stay in. Do you mind if I cook fish?_

No. Not at all. Hey, I gotta go. I think someone might be dying. Call you later?

 

_Of course. Bye, Pooh._   
**Phone hangs up**

 

Back to being lost in the middle of the desert.  
You’re not lost, you exclaim to the vague yet menacing government agency. They can’t hear you, but you don’t know that.  
What do you know?  
Well, you know your phone is at 8%, and you should probably stay off it, despite never turning it on, and you know you can still see the mysterious lights above the Arby’s sign behind you.  
Maybe you should go back. Just for a snack, really, then continue driving forward.

 

I mean, even if you have been driving for 14 hours, Arby’s seems so close. Actually, now that you think about it, Night Vale seems so close.  
You stop. You rub your eyes.  
Your rub your eyes again. You, stupidly, turn on your phone to take a quick picture because you cant believe your eyes.  
The picture shows two things. Your home, which is a long, confusing drive from the Arby’s, which couldn’t be seen with the naked or overly-dressed eye or cell phone camera. Between the trees that you insist would make a great tree house for you and dog, you see your pet sobbing into one of your favorite shirts.  
The wonders of technology.  
And the other-your phone is at 5%.  
Turn back, listener. Come back home.  
And now the weather.

https://youtu.be/BPE8XSHGlBo

You made the wise decision of coming back home, and have just pulled into your neighborhood.  
You briefly wonder why it took you 14 hours to get into the middle of nowhere but barely 4 minutes to make your way back home.  
No matter. You’re dog wraps all its winged, slimy limbs over your body and picks you up. You ought to go to sleep, your dogs know this and even tucks you in before curling into a tight ball of nothingness on the living room couch  
Your dog and I both wish you the best of slumber.  
Goodnight listeners, and, most importantly, you, dear reader, goodnight.

**Proverb: Don't fix what isn't broken, don't break what isn't able to be fixed, and learn to control your anger issues so you break things less. You don't have to stop breaking things all together, just do it less.**


End file.
